I stopped fighting the darkness.
It’s ironic how easy is to give valuable advice to other people and at the same time it’s so hard to get a perspective on our own lives, to see the bigger picture. And even though you might already know that you’ve got all the tools within you to help yourself, it’s during the moments of total despair that one is unable to reach for those tools.
We’re desperately looking for help externally, expecting others to provide the antidote, the golden advice that will bring a relief, even if it is just for a moment. The sense of isolation may appear, lack of understanding, being surrounded by so many people and yet feeling so lonely.
I’ve stepped into that darkness a while ago, I somehow allowed this to happen as I expected it to be temporary, that it will soon transform itself into something lighter and more bearable, as it usually did. This time was different though, it was far more distinct and intense. I’ve connected to pain in a way that was not available to me in the past. I started to understand how it feels to be so utterly miserable in this life that the only way to end this suffering is by ending the life itself. Even though I never contemplated suicide myself somehow I knew how good it feels to do it, the sweet relief of the pain going away forever.
It was fascinating and confusing at the same time, how did I manage to feel that? It certainly wasn’t my inner realisation. Was it the empath within that felt someone else’s pain? That didn’t feel right either, it was deeper than that, rooted within me, as if I connected to something from my past life. At that point I didn’t even know if I believe in past lives but soon it became clear to me that there’s more to life I know and live in. I started to realise that I am going through a rebirth, hence the strong connection to death and suffering. At the beginning I was reluctant to embrace that, I was raised in a western culture which is all about eliminating and avoiding pain, as if it was ever possible! What I have failed to realise most of my unawekened life is that there is no pleasure without pain, no happiness without suffering. So instead of constantly fighting it I could simply allow it in my live, accept it and maybe even befriend it.
And that’s what I was starting to learn, rewiring my brain to accept the darkness to enter me, to understand that the spiritual path I walk on is just as dark as it is light.
But here’s the thing, that acceptance of darkness in me is always temporary. It’s during the moments of pure awareness when I allow this to happen. No matter how much mindfulness I practice the good portion of the time I’m still on autopilot, and that’s when all my past conditioning take over. Without even realising it the doubt comes, questioning every move, every thought. That’s when I start to feel trapped within my own self, I want to get out, stop this torment. I just want to feel lighter again, I want to smile effortlessly, I don’t want to be annoyed by someone else’s laughter. It’s the pure joy that I miss, I’m puzzled how others can be so cheerful when I don’t even enjoy presence of other people. Apathy takes over, and I just don’t care about anything, nothing excites me. And the further I go the harder it is to see the light, to feel some sort of relief, to realise something that I know very well – that this feeling will pass, as everything else will. Nothing is permanent and I know that, but sometimes I fail to remember. This too shall pass. But freaking when??
I often want to run away, as if escaping will end the inner torment, hoping that the change will bring a relief, maybe just for a moment. But you don’t need to be a sage to realise that running away is not the solution, even though sometimes it seems like it’s the only way to go. But no! Stop, take a deep breath in and face those demons. Face your darkness, don’t fight it, embrace it!